I wish I met me earlier

Written by on January 30, 2018

Huge expectations on my shoulders; every one has a version of me they want to see. They all seem to paint it so well to look perfect. The problem here is, there are different versions of perfect. Every individual giving me their own version of a “perfect me”.

Oh poor and naive me; I want to please everybody. So i find myself going in any direction i am led to. Before long i find myself in a chaos and confused state. They all push me – or should we say, lead me – to a certain point, and then i am left all alone.

What happened to all those who told me this was the best way for me? What happened to those who claimed to see me as a Medical Doctor, a Pastor, and so on? I am not saying they were wrong. I just never saw it through my own eyes. It is unhealthy seeing through someone else’s eyes. You can never claim certainty or even own the vision. The most painful part is, they will never be with you all the way.

There is always that point they have to face their own journey, thereby leaving you disoriented and confused. Note, you are not left blind because you still got your eyes. But imagine seeing through a foreign set of eyes for so long and suddenly, you lose that set of eyes. You would have to revert to your own eyes. Now, how do you expect to comprehend at first sight the way it all looks to you?

Well, it is never the end of the road, and with time it gets better and clearer. But imagine how much time is lost already. Imagine you were always able to see yourself through your own eyes from the beginning.

For me, I lived a huge part of my life seeing through other people’s lenses. I wanted to be a lot of things; I had to because, that was how much they were all expecting from me. Not that they were all wrong, but I needed to see it for myself, understand it myself, so that I would still be able to pursue it even when I am left alone.

It was not until recently that i had to accept that I really cannot please everybody. I cannot be what everybody wants me to be. There is a “best version” of myself I need to see for myself in order to see it in reality.

I only wish I had started seeing with my own eyes a lot earlier. I only wish I had met me a little earlier.

“You are still very young, you still have time in your hands.” I cannot count how many times that has been said to me; but now I am approaching adulthood. What they forgot to tell me (perhaps they did not just want to tell me) was that every day made me a day older and each time that went by, was a precious gift I could have taken advantage of to bring me closer to the best version of me.

That being said, I might not be where I want to be right now, I am still grateful that I am not where I used to be.

You Are Never Alone

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